This is a daily journal of my BRAIN. It is gray and rubbery, and has lots of twisty bumps on it. If you send me an interesting email, I'll post it, I promise. So please do so.

<May 21st 2002> Nothing real exciting has occurred in the preceding days. Just my dad moving out and a suicide. Anyway, Matt and mine's bitchiness has been relocated to the teen boppyish "Live Journal." I go by ESS4SSIN and Matt ended up using hellorpanda. Which is really a typo. So don't make the mistake of thinking he's dumb or his robust cerebral matter will eat you for breakfast. I think Live Journal has had a negative affect on my writing. I intentionally write like a pansy to fit in with all the other pansies. I might ditch it and return to maintaining this site.

May 05, 2002 <1:06> It's really fucking early in the morning. Matt just shuffled off to bed, and I am lingering on the internet for a bit longer in an attempt to make my delicate brain ooze out of my eyeballs. This start to May 05, 2002 makes me think that the rest of it is also going to possess that undesirable lackluster quality. I've got to wake before 8:00 to hike a mountain or trail or bike path, (if we're feeling unambitious,) avec mon bon pere. There's also going to be a breakfast of sorts. I'll surely be torn between eggs and homefries or french toast. I've also been having a reoccuring premonition that the sun's going to get angry with the Earth and fly out of position, sending us all to an  infernal underworld complete with a boulder of limitless crushing action and a plutonic earthworm armed with multiple mutated mandibles. I am just preparing myself for sleep with that thought. RIP everyone.

Friday April 26th 2002 <14:10> I am wondering why Matt hasn't posted in so long. I think he needs a little encouragement. Everybody should tune into channel three on Sunday to see Paul Kurtz at 9 AM. He's my hero. I am attracted to old, graying men with auras that suggest an unequaled wisdom. I am alone in the house, and I wish I had a car so I could leave and find some adventure. Instead I am staring at a partially filled window in Wordpad...trying desperately to produce enough facts for a 3 page report.  Why sex is used to sell products seems to obvious to me, (it works.)  How better to get someone's attention than with a pair of firm breasts? I can't think of one, and I am sure the advertising people can't either. I am curious as to whether or not the Pepsi Ad Campaign with the annoyingly little girl actually worked. I don't think it did because A) They don't play them anymore (to my knowledge,) B) They started pairing her with hot celebrities like Shania Twain. (Hot enough, I guess.) I've been really frustrated with life lately. It never gives me what I want, which is a mere explanation. Is that so much to ask? It brought me here, it may as well go about giving a clear and concise defense as to why. I am fairly bright and logical and I can't think of a reason.

Wednesday April 24th <00:32>

CLICK

April 20,2002  18:19 <Vivaldi: Techno Remix>  Last night I attended a show at 242 that endured for six hours. There were plenty of bands, of which I think From Autumn to Ashes and Poison the Well were the best. I went to bed at 2 am, rose at 11 am. Sometime in between that period of sleep I was awoken by a small earthquake. I mistook this miniature earth shock for bombing, and being in a dreamy stupor from my late night, I wandered over to the window to behold what I believed to be an air raid. I was thoroughly disappointed when I saw an undisturbed stretch of green pasture and aesthetically pleasing scenery. I was hoping for tanks and massive machines of destruction and annihilation. I was dispirited that my life wasn't in immediate danger, and that this day would turn out to be painstakingly normal. Throughout the day I got excited when I felt an aftershock. (Or thought I felt one.) I am not sure what to do now, looking for a job or renting a movie doesn't sound as enticing as it did before the attractive suggestion of death. It's something new that I have never had to subjectively deal with before. The Benadryl is making me chipper. I may take a walk.

April 16,2002 <11:16>Bad tuesday. Cant go see chemical brothers. Cant go to Rave in massachusetts. Hopefully go see From Autumn to Ashes on friday, but thats different...not electronic, not out of state. No drugs. New SLEEPY COMIC on 420times.com All the birds sing out in joyous harmony.

April 16,2002 <22:06> Today is Tuesday. Tomorrow will be Wednesday. Between today and tomorrow I need to reach a mutual agreement with logarithms that they will not betray me during tomorrow's examination. I think it will be as successful as the middle east peace talks.

April 13, 2002 < 21:56 > My eyes are watering, my balance is unreliable, and I feel like I just inhaled all of the contents of a pepper shaker. I wonder what it is that I am allergic too. My sister was absent tonight, (bowling excursion,) so this gave me the chance to watch some of Gundam Wing DVDs that I borrowed. I get fairly depressed when I sleep all day and I don't accomplish anything, I feel as if I have wasted 12 hours of my life. (If I didn't feel this way there would probably be something wrong with my ratiocination.) I drank the remainder of the Robitussin, took two glasses of Alka Seltzer Plus, (orange flavor,) and two Benadryl liqui-gels. Something tells me this combination of drugs is bad for me and may cause internal breathing, so it's a good thing I don't value my life. I wanted to have fun today especially, but the weather and my physical condition prohibited this. One brighter aspect of the day was the arrival of my report card, which showed I made the honor roll. (Two consecutive quarters! w00t.)

April 13, 2002 <9:27>I just took a long and depressing trip to college in NY. I got to miss a battle of the bands and the last weekend of snowboarding, all so i could spend 8 hours in the car and 4 hours standing around with my humiliatingly odd parents. The worst part is, the whole poing of this college gathering was to meet people id be going to college with, and, due to my lack of charisma and social skills, i didnt meet a single person. Thusly rendering the whole experience a pointless and painfull waste of time, and another horrible blow to my already non-existant self esteem. As a result, and also because stephanie is sick, i am horribly depressed. I should have a cheerful entry because friday was great, but its just not happening. YOU must play QUADNET. You can get it off of DOSGAMES.com.It is admirably cyberpunk.

April 12, 2002 <11:27 PM> Today started out well because I got multiple compliments on a red halter top that I was donning, but then the day slid downhill at exactly 11:00 AM. I was handed a blank sheet of paper that would later become a QUIZ.Algebra is not my calling in life. This circumstance was different however because I KNEW how to do these problems. The only thing that stood in my way was a bothersome paralysis invoked by fear-inducing Baker. He doesn't always scare me, but all that changed when a temerarious boy named Keith sharpened his pencil while he was talking. Mr. Baker snapped and his blood began to boil. To cope with this danger I spaced out, the rest is blurry. All I know is that I failed...all due to an uncontrollable medical condition. After eleven thirty my happiness soared like a B-2 Spirit. I exchanged my pants for baggier ones and got an additional discount, ate yummy tacos, visited a daycare for zombie meat, took a stroll in a park, flipped through erotically illustrated comic books, drank an ungodly amount of energy tonic, and spent all of this time with my best friend. It was heavenly. I came home around 5,  and rented The Last Temptation of Christ. I am agnostic; which I think I've mentioned before...so this wasn't a spiritual indulgence of mine. It's a Martin Scorsese film, and I've heard he's good, so I was suckered into it. (After succumbing to paying a $2 late fee on another movie.) I wasn't displeased. It was a gratifying manifestation of the struggle between soul and flesh, (as hard as I try I cannot disprove the existence of a soul,) and not so much religion. Religion = sciolism. For some reason, I felt obligated to watch this movie naked and with pornography scattered about my floor. Maybe it was to keep God away.

April 11, 2002 <10:58 PM> I haven't posted recently, this is due to the severely insipid time I've been having. Things of note include not going to a Jimmy Eat World concert, not seeing Matt this weekend, being unable to watch recently obtained Gundam Wing videos in peace, inability to acquire controller pak, incapability to procure cash in any way, an allusive mode of transportation and declining faith in the presence of God-executed retribution. There are too many damn leeches and wiliy miscreants, I should confirm my skepticism about the presence of a hellish afterlife for sinners by commiting sin. My first act of deceit will be butt sex. Yes, that's right..anal intercourse. Tomorrow is a half day, so Matt and I are taking a trip to the wonderful city. (Anal intercourse and Matt are not related.) I am not sure what we'll do there, aside from return a pair of pants that I bought a size too small.(Size 3, I need a 3-4) I am fostering a crush on mathematics. I think I am attracted to it because of it's complicated and intricate personality. It's also shy and sensitive, but straightforward and compassionate. It also has the word mat in it. Perhaps all of those adjectives really belong to the proper name Matthew and not mathematics, but I still love both. I need to hear some live music soon, (i.e attend concert.) The Chemical Brothers are playing in Canada at some point, and I can almost expect to be there. Excuse me whilst I engage in a prolonged state of catalepsy.

April 6, 2002 <11:37>Its been a while since i posted. DID YOU MISS ME? I didnt feel like doing this, and i still don't. I went skating today and went for a stroll in a cemetary. Good news! Sleepy is finally on 420times.com. SO SWEET! An actual good website has my crappy comic. Im making another episode, just so you know. Stephanie, you are fucking awesome, stop being depressed.

April 2, 2002 <11:03> Today I decided not to waste my afternoon playing blocks from hell and waiting for it to be 9:00 so i could talk to stephanie. I decided that i needed a noble purpose, an activity that would justify my existance. I failed in this quest, but i did more stuff than i usually do. I got out my old skateboard and fooled around with that for a while-ive decided to try and learn again. I also tried to fix my computer, and found several broken wires. I installed a DOS mouse driver and got Magic Carpet to work, even though it stopped working for no reason. I also watched AI, which was sad. I liked it. Please make me a real boy...

April 1, 2002 <11:18 PM> I didn't have an interesting afternoon. I was thrilled about the arrival of The Skeptical Inquirer, (The Magazine for Science and Reason.) The cover storing being Bigfoot: Evaluating 50 years of Bigfoot Evidence, other stories include: "Bioterrorism and Alternative Medicine" and "Are Science and Religion Compatible?" It's a very educational magazine, a magazine that I can't buy a subscription to. If you would like to give me $35 in order to buy me the gift that keeps on giving, please contact me at blaze@pshift.com. I would appreciate your charity. I'd also willingly link you to my Amazon.com wishlist and miscellaneous online apparel stores where I have set up wishlists. I am poor, and kids pick on me because I look funny. So, your pity will not be misplaced. It's cold in here and I am all alone aside from my three adorable stuffed bunny rabbits. Have mercy on my wretched soul. (Matt told me to turn this into a ramble...so it goes on.....) I am going to end on a note that both astounds and infuriates me, this is Ken Cumming from the institute for creation research.....attempting to make a correalation between evolution and terrorism: "Both events have much in common. The public was unaware of the deliberate preperation that was schemed over the past few years to lead to these event. And while the public now understands from President Bush that 'We're at War,' with religious fanatics around the world, they don't have a clue that America is being attacked from within through its public schools by a militant relgious movement called Darwinists." THE PROOF IS RIGHT HERE IN OUR GENES THE THEORY OF EVOLUTION IS THE ONLY WAY TO EXPLAIN THE ARRANGEMENT OF 30,000 GENES AND 3,000,000,000 LETTERS THAT CONSTITUTE THE GENETIC CODE THE HISTORY OF HUMANITY IS WRITTEN IN OUR DNA. Why is there always a wrong answer? ...

April 1, 2002 <10:50 AM> I had an interesting afternoon. I got home from school at around 2:45 and ingested a small quantity of psilocybin on bread, which tasted awful. Having heard vague rumors from chris that either vitamin C or citrus helps make one more stoned, a drank a lot of orange juice; it also helped wash down the awful taste. I wandered around for a while being bored, and several hours later i was equally bored but quite high. A note to any prospective drug users: OJ does seem to enhance the highness. I played mario kart at great length and was absolutely fascinated, i also performed many monologues to myself in my head. I felt like writing it down, but it would have been incoherent. I found that while walking around, i didnt feel stoned, but whenever i focused on one thing, like a video game, i would get incredibly tripped out. At one point, everything in mario kart appeared 3d, like on a Virtual Boy, but that only lasted for a minute. Other interesting visual effects included a hanging tapestry type thing that appeared to slightly shift when i stared at it at length. I was also amazed by the between level music in mario kart...i listened to it while staring at a wooden beam that looked slightly odd. I was stoned for a really long time, mostly spent playing mario kart. I am really tired now. While on shrooms i thought deep thoughts about the futility of my life. I dont do ANYTHING worthwhile during the average day, its not even necessary to do homework because i have so many study halls. The only thing that matters to me is talking to stephanie online, and seeing Stephanie on weekends. Ok, snowboarding and other friends are important too. But both occur infrequently. That is why i have so much time to trip on shrooms and play blocks from hell well meditating on the senselessness of it all. I can't wait for college. : /

March 31, 2002 <9:20>I haven't written for a while. I may have to do 2 entries in a row to balance the pink and the lime. Hmm, what to write? Ive been visiting relatives for easter, which was incredably dull, more dull than anything in the world, even manatees. Plus the ride there was 6 hours. It wasted my entire weekend, except for friday . Friday was an interesting day- an almost perfect balance between awesomeness and extreme suckyness. I skipped the second half of school to go riding with chris. However, chris was too high to go riding (suckyness), so we just hung out at my house. He had taken his whole share of mushrooms, 1/16 of an ounce. Which doesnt sound like that much, but its alot. He was comically fucked up (awesomeness). Having never taken shrooms before, I didnt take enough to even get high...what a waste (suckyness). Later that day i went to see Blade II with stephanie (AWESOMENESS). On the way there we took more mushrooms, which kicked in just as we got to the movie theatre...Yoda was looking at me funny, and the movie was extremely freaky (awesomeness). The lights were wierd. However, on the way to the theatre i stupidly crashed my car- it didnt have anything to do with the drugs, i was just stupid (EXTREME SUCKYNESS). Fortunately, the damage was mostly cosmetic. After the movie, steph had an hellish headache (suckyness). That made me extremely sad. I think thats a total of 3 awesomeness, 4 suckyness. All told, a crappy weekend. I still have some shrooms...i plan on being very high during study hall on tuesday. You will hear about it here, certainly.

March 29, 2002 <7:50 AM> I am at school, which means this is a school entry. I am generally very peeved while I am at school. The exact cause for this remains unexplained, however I am apt to contribute it to the large amount of carbon monoxide in the air and the brainless simps that surround me. My main fear is that I will begin to mimic their actions, (which primates are prone to.) It may already be happening. I am happier than usual. This is due to the email I recieved this morning from the pirateninjas webmaster. Last night I had a dream that I got dumped; for a small girl with braces and large round glasses that had a horrible laugh. What hurt most was that he enjoyed her company over mine. *shiver* I want to hang out with Matt this weekend, but I think feeble nonagenarian grandparents take precedence over myself..

March 27, 2002<10:57 PM> I had a slightly more interesting than average day. The highlight of my school day was helping the other seniors use a lunch table to try and hang a poster of a pot plant from a high beam in the lobby, unsuccesfully i might add. Yes, that is more interesting than anything else in school. After school I went to chris' house, since his parents werent home. I discovered that Final Fantasy 10 is cool looking but slow paced. I also discovered that chris knows some kooky girls from rice, who drove an hour from burlington just to go to his house for half an hour. Theres something funny going on there...i think they were on drugs. I may or may not have the house to myself this weekend, i still havent decided whether i should see my grandparents or go snowboarding. Im seeing Blade II on friday unless something goes horribly wrong. There should be drugs involved too, unless something goes horribly wrong. Thats always a plus. I've gone from being excited about college to being horribly paranoid that i wont make any friends or have fun. I'll try to maintain a positive attitude, since i really am looking forward to it. Nothing, I want nothing.

March 26, 2002<9:53 PM> Im afraid that a certain person may think less of me because of my intermittant attempts at developing a drug habit...but nonetheless, the pain has begun again. The pain of being told by a certain person (not the same one) that certain substances are available, cheaply, and then ascertaining that said substances will not be available until a much later date...and when that date rolls around, the cycle repeats. I hope this is not one of those times. Im really excited about going to college, now that i know im accepted and that ill be able to visit my few friends who won't be graduated (i.e, steph) since college is fairly close to home. I hope college is fun. Other news: a foul beast named Trutorius is consistantly occupying quadmodeSx4's attention. :(

March 25, 2002<11:32 PM>I couldnt get onto the site builder for the past couple of days, it was sad. Im still working on getting Sleepy on <420times>, but it looks like its gonna happen. Good news: I got accepted to a SWEET college in NY, which absolutely rocks, and im so glad to not have to worry about it anymore. There was lots of snow at Smuggs last weekend...even though nobody would go with me, loser that i am. I hiked a jump with some asian guys from quebec, and managed to throw down a few decently sick 180 mute grabs. Also found a lot of powder in the woods. Freshie fresh. Boom. Whammo. What was up with all the cute asian girls with pigtails falling off the lift? Chris you fucker, i bet your sorry you missed that! In other news, I went to a hockey game. It was really cold, but there was free food, and i got to cuddle (for warmpth) with someone i weawwy weawwy wike. End good news. The bad news: I still have a cold. And i have a wierd programming defect that makes me incapable of having random conversations or being "wacky." I have to overcome the flaws in my design. I wish i was special, but im a creep. End Radiohead quote. End long long journal entry. PAK CHOOIE. I > SM

March 21, 2002<10:56 PM>The highlight of my day was getting a nosebleed during math class. I also stabbed myself with a compass. The good news is that im working on a new Sleepy episode. It will have a pirate in it. It should be done in a few days. This weekend will be the first weekend in forever that i won't see stephanie. I am not looking forward to it.

March 20, 2002<11:19 PM>Ok, im done being whiny and depressed. Officially. My chronic illness has dissolved into a mere runny nose, and my broken heart only aches a little. The good news: 420times.com, the worlds greatest online weed publication, may put a link to my Sleepy the Drug Cat comics on their site. I certainly hope they do! The bad news: Alan somehow spent all his money, so he cant pay me the 40 bucks he owes me from a gig we played a while ago. Which means i cant buy illegal substances until he pays up, which might not be for another month. NOOO! More good news: it snowed alot. I will go snowboarding on friday, skipping a day of hell, i mean school. I look forward to it.

March 19, 2002<10:38 PM>Well, that last entry was certainly whiny and pathetic. Im going for 2 in a row. Stephanie broke up with me, im still pretty upset. At least she's being uncommonly nice about it, she even drove to my house to try and make me feel better. She still wants to be friends, so i guess i shouldnt be so sad. But im afraid to try to sleep at night because every time i close my eyes i see her. Stephanie, ill miss hugging you and playing with your hair...im sorry it didnt work out.

March 18, 2002<11:03 PM> DISTURBING PERSONAL DETAILS: My throat is sore, my nose is running, my head hurts, im cold and hot at the same time, shivering. My eyes are tearing. I feel like breaking down and crying. This, without a doubt, has been the worst day in the worst month of my life. the word of the day is LONELY. Trent knows: "I still recall the taste of your tears/echoing my voice just like the ringing in my ears/ my favorite dreams of you still wash ashore/scraping through my head until i dont want to sleep anymore....in this place it seems like such a shame/though it all looks different now i know its still the same/everywhere i look YOU're all I see...just a fading fucking reminder of who i used to be.

March 17, 2002 <8:55 PM> I went to see River City Rebels last night. I didnt actually stay for them, i just saw the opening bands. My Revenge, and the Food Stamps. And some other band, all decent punk bands. Some guy who wasnt even in a band (well, he used to be in Hemlock Verdict) got on stage, yelled at people, and displayed his testicles, to my horror. Other than that it was almost a decent show, lots of people. When steph's with me I cant seem to make myself go in the pit. Its just as well, since i always get knocked down or lose a shoe whenever I mosh. Im just a big wuss. Although I think my inner samauri warrior is craving battle lately. Ive been having violent dreams, and I can barely stop myself from joining into fights in the hall in school. If anyone out there wants to have a duel, you know how to reach me. I wont do one of those gay 13th century pistol duels though. Only swords or ninja duels, thank you very much. Im worthless and bored, and my life is devoid of meaning. And my friends neglect me. NOBODY LOVES ME.

March 15, 2002<9:26 PM>I spent most of the day being depressed. I did not go see Ice Age. I did have a satisfying pizza dinner though. I watched trainspotting: the accents made most of the plot unintelligible, and the first half is overly depressing. But, it did get decent toward the end. Also watched the Clerks cartoon show: partially lame, but also intermittently amusing. Got nothing on the movie. Tomorrow night: River City Rebels show? Maybe. +BYE+

March 14, 2002<9:44 PM>I just want to say that i fucking hate my computer. Somehow having a 1 gig HD has made it 10X slower than it already was, even though steph says thats impossible, and steph knows everything. She is my god. Another gripe I have is that i cant make another Sleepy comic with drugged pirates because Photoshop is on my other HD. Half-day of school tomorrow, going to see Ice Age. Should have interesting animation at least. Will see Resident Evil at first opportunity. Flesh eating zombies plus Milla Jovovich: how can it go wrong? +END TRANSMISSION+

March 13, 2002<11:48 PM>As far as i can tell, nobody except steph has seen this awesome website. Its just as well, i guess, although i am pretty proud of my Sleepy Comix. In other news, my 20 gig hard drive (the only worthwhile thing in my computer) suffered a Total Existance Failure. I had to replace it with my old 1 gig HD, which fucking sucks. But, i did get to talk to steph on AIM tonight, for the first time in a bit, so it was all worthwhile. Bitchin. Um...Im a little down right now, computer troubles and all, plus im not accepted to the college i wanted to go to. AND i dont have any drugs either. Maybe getting some this weekend though, as well as a new computer. THC plus new computer...hmmm, interesting combination? +END TRANSMISSION+